Berpindah blog
Salam.
Seruling hilang suaranya kerana liang-liangnya disumbat habuk. Bersihkan habuk itu dan carilah kembali suaramu sehingga nyanyianmu menyentuh akal dan iman.
Salam.
Sometimes when I feel like calming myself down, I would just close my eyes and transport myself to another place. It is always the same place, same atmosphere. Like leaving my body behind in the chair, and bringing my mind and soul to this place of tranquility.
I always find myself standing in a relaxed posture on top of a low, grassy hill. Beside me is a single grand tree emanating a motherly aura. My left palm lay gently flat against the trunk of the powerful tree, feeling the ancient woody texture pressing lightly against my soft palm, while the tree's melancholic branches and throngs of leaves sway gently in the rejuvenating breeze. I close my eyes every now and then, appreciating the beautiful sound of branches brushing against branches, leaves against leaves - nature's music.
As the tree and I share and exchange feelings and aura through the connection of my hand, I swiped my eyes ahead across the whole plains, carpeted with green vibrant grass that dances with the wind, as if in celebration. The plains is never flat and level - it is essentially low hills and shallow valleys that contour smoothly. The sky is easy to the eyes, neither too bright nor too dark, like the shy sky after the rain. The clouds scattered across form a filter, so I can see rays of light piercing through the clouds at an angle and silently landing on the plains below. Like a curtain.
Again I close my eyes and open them slowly, this time looking down at a beautiful curving valley with gentle eyes. So perfect the valley is that I feel like rolling down its slope. In the valley spreads a herd of heavenly white sheep grazing the green carpet peacefully, chewing on slowly in rejoice. From where I stand, the herd appears like a fluffy cloud, with slight graceful movement and tilt. I can see one of the sheep lifted its head from smelling the grass and turned to observe me for seconds before returning to its feast.
As another breeze pass as a wave, I take a deep breath and feel myself smiling in pleasure of my senses - sight, hearing, smell, touch - being satisfied by this great nature. With the breath, I can almost smell the sweet fragrance of the grass wafting, only being heightened by the invisible breeze. With this refreshing breath, I can feel every inch of my body gaining a new strength, as the wind carries my sorrow and toil away. Far, far away, never to be seen again.
Awas! Terdapat suatu berita bahawa tersebarnya suatu jenis penyakit yang mencengkam hanya individu berlabel manusia! Sebarang mamalia, amfibia, reptilia, mahupun haiwan daripada famili yang lain tidak terkesan dengan penyakit berbahaya ini. Didapati penyakit ini menyerang hati manusia, dan seringkali individu yang mengidap penyakit ini hidup bertahun-tahun tanpa menyedari bahawa hati mereka dimakan perlahan-lahan. Sekiranya rawatan tidak dijalankan untuk menghapuskan penyakit ini dari hati manusia, pengakhirannya begitu mengerikan - pesakit itu akan merasakan seperti seluruh badannya dibakar kerana hujung-hujung reseptor haba dan kesakitan (thermoreceptor dan nociceptor) yang terkandung pada seluruh kulit pesakit itu akan kuat dirangsang. Pesakit akan menjerit (bukan lagi mengerang) menahan maha kesakitan sedangkan tiada sebarang ubat penahan sakit pun yang cukup berkuasa walaupun untuk melegakan penyeksaan ini.
I feel like I've been cheating.
Tepat seminggu sejak aku menetap di Howitt Hall, aku membayar sewa bilik dan menukilkan tandatanganku ke atas sehelai kertas yang maknanya hilang ditelan setiap saat yang berlalu. Ya, barangkali bermakna kepada kerani itu sebagai rekod. Namun, bagi aku, kertas itu benar-benar hanya sehelai kertas. Sebarang polisi, protokol, dan objek yang berkaitan dengan hall ini seolah-olah larut di hadapan renungan malasku, mencairkan sama apa jua makna yang terkandung. Mengapa, ya? Masakan soalan tu ditanya. Aku sendiri sudah tahu jawapannya. Soalan itu retorik.
Sesungguhnya pada saat pena biru pada jemariku berhenti menari-nari melukiskan lengkung dan lenggok tandatanganku, maka putuslah segala perkaitanku dengan hall itu. Ya, aku telah berpindah keluar dari bilik yang makin hari terasa makin sempit itu, bersama dua lagi rakanku.
Peristiwa yang telah berlalu beberapa hari sebelumnya terasa samar-samar pula. Mengorek kembali memori ini yang tersorok di sebalik jaringan sel-sel neuron adalah agak sukar, bagaikan mencari bulat matahari yang sedang bersembunyi di balik awan-awan gebu.
Keluar. Berjalan-jalan sekitar perumahan berhampiran universiti. Mencari-cari. Menangkap gambar. Bermandi cahaya mentari terik. Menghitamkan kulit. Terjumpa rumah sewa. Telefon agen hartanah. Dah disewa. Kecewa. Terjumpa lagi rumah sewa. Telefon lagi. Mahal. Terjumpa lagi rumah sewa. Telefon lagi. Dah disewa. Kecewa. Entah berapa kali terjumpa rumah dalam keadaan berpeluh dan lenguh kaki. Entah berapa kali menelefon agen hartanah dan kecewa kerana rumah sudah disewa atau sewa terlalu mahal. Entah berapa jam berjalan-jalan bersama-sama tanpa henti. Tiga empat jam barangkali. Entah berapa hari terluang untuk mencari rumah. Tiga hari rasanya.
''Mengapa tak minta saja pertolongan senior di situ?''
Entahlah. Bukan kami terlupa kewujudan senior di situ, tetapi kami enggan menyusahkan mereka. Aku malas mahu mengulas panjang-panjang mengapa. Jangan ditanya mengapa dan jangan risau kerana kau masih boleh memahami kisah ini walaupun tiada ulasan mengapa aku “tak minta saja pertolongan senior di situ?”.
Tepat dua hari sebelum aku bercerai talak tiga dengan Howitt Hall, aku bersama teman melangkah keluar untuk mencari rumah sewa yang telah kami temui di legar Internet. Tangan menggenggam erat seribu satu harapan, dada mengumpul seluruh saki-baki kekuatan yang tinggal, dan hati memancar dengan semangat merah. Rumah sewa yang indah bak kayangan itu telah menawan hati pemuda-pemuda ini.
Apabila aku membaca kembali perenggan di atas, bunyinya begitu dramatis. Alah, macam mahu ke
Hmm. Lihatlah betapa mudahnya aku melencong. Mari sambung kisah pemuda-pemuda yang kegersangan rumah itu. Isy, memalukan!
Aku membuat panggilan ke agen hartanah sedang kaki sibuk melangkah ke destinasi. Kami tiba, lantas memuji-muji rumah dari kayangan itu.
Lelaki itu menyeluk saku seluarnya, dan keluarlah sejambak kunci bersama tangan berisinya. Sebatang kunci dijolokkan ke dalam tombol pintu. Bunyi ‘klik’ seperti ada besi halus yang dilepaskan. Pintu berhayun perlahan, memperlihatkan isi rumah sedikit demi sedikit.
Kami melangkah masuk. Beliak mata dan nganga mulut sudah cukup untuk menerangkan keadaan rumah sewa itu. Lengkap berperabot. Set sofa, televisyen entah berapa inci, meja ruang tamu, meja dan kerusi makan, almari, rak, kabinet, dapur, ketuhar, ketuhar gelombang mikro, mesin basuh, katil, meja belajar, segala yang cukup untuk pelajar-pelajar perubatan yang harap-harapnya rajin belajar. Tangan aku sibuk membelek dan mengusap segala objek yang tercapai. Kaki pula seolah-olah punya fikiran sendiri; bergerak ke mana-mana ruang dan bilik yang disukai. Sedang aku teroka rumah itu, aku terjatuh. Tersembam agaknya.
Kusedar bahawa aku telah jatuh cinta dengan rumah sewa itu.
Awal pagi keesokan harinya, kami menuju ke pejabat agen hartanah tersebut dan memeterai perjanjian kontrak selama 12 bulan. Sebanyak $1100 hilang dalam sekelip mata. $550 untuk bond, dan $550 untuk sewa bulan pertama.
Kemudian? Sila berpatah ke perenggan pertama entri ini. Jika kau pak turut yang lurus bendul dan mengikut arahanku, kau akan dapati bahawa kau takkan habis membaca entri kali ini.
*Deep breath*
A bird that flies must reach a time when it lands on the firm ground. I'm one such bird.
Finally, after agonizing and excruciating seven months of waiting, I am entering the threshold of the university life. No, I am not at the threshold. I have already passed that gate. What awaits me here, beyond the gate, I cannot tell.
Upon arriving at the
After going through the quarantine check, luggage pick-up, and custom check, we reached the waiting hall. Unlike other Malaysian students who went to
I'll just fast forward now...
[weutilizedtheMonashstudentpickupserviceandtravelledfromtheairport
atMelbournetothesuburbofClaytonwhereouruniversityislocated.alongthe
waythedriveractedasatourguidetellingaboutthisareaandthatareaandwe
gettoaskquestionsaboutAustralia.thedistanceisjustabout20kmbutittook
usabout45minutestoreachtheuniversity.iguessAustraliansjustdriveslower
thancrazyMalaysiansandifyouareactuallyreadingthisthanibetyoureallyhave
nothingelsetodootherthanoverworkingyoureyesandbrainandidon'teven
knowwhyyouevenbotherreadingthis.]
...there.
I jabbed the lock with my room key with anticipation. I swung the door with hopefulness. As I scan the entire room, I was ridden with disappointment.
The room is small. Much smaller than I imagined. The minimalistic furniture including a single bed, a study table, a chair, and a wardrobe didn’t even bother me. It was the size of the room. Not to mention there was not enough light even with the curtains open.
And it just turned out that I’m the kind of person who hates small spaces. I don’t think I’m claustrophobic, but small and not-so-bright room makes me uncomfortable and depressed. I just plainly hate it. Period.
Well, I guess I just have to learn to accept this room as it is. Then I did the most likely course of action – unpack.
*Sigh*
(This entry is meant to be posted on 17th of February, but instead it got months of delay. No doubt the result of my superb mastery in the art of procrastination, added with some unexplained problem with my computer not being able to access my Blogger account. Amazing, no?)
Assalamualaikum.
Looking back at my previous entries, there are mostly a bit gloomy, wouldn't you agree? I guess I must have lived with those kind of emotions for quite a long time that the mood of my entries had been affected. Hopefully they won't be permanent on me. Oh, I wouldn't want it. Never.
Three. Three. Three.
September, Oktober, November, Disember, dan Januari.
“Why do we fall down?” asked the boy.
After a long silence, the man said, “So that we learn to pick ourselves up!”
(a morphed extract from the movie Batman Begins)
What is life in this world without any hardships and obstacles and problems? Imagine life filled only with happiness, and is essentially beds of roses. Yes, we would feel very much happy. But don’t you think it would be quite empty? Nothing to feel except happiness. No need for hope, no need for longing, no need for anxiety, no need for sorrow, no need for fury.
You see, all these feelings are what makes us human. Hope, longing, anxiety, sorrow, fury, and other thousands of feelings, even some indescribable. These feelings were born from all the hardships and obstacles that we inevitably encounter in this world. We hope because that glimmer of light is the driving force that keeps us going. We long for the people that we love to be reunited with us. We are ridden with sadness and weep because we are hurt, but that scar is a great teacher to us. We feel the fury in our hearts when our kindred are abused, so from that the flame in our hearts fuel the strength to protect. What is life in this world without these feelings, which in turn were born from hardships and obstacles?
Why then Allah burden us all with hardships? Isn’t it so that we learn? So that we become wiser?
The wise wouldn’t be called as such if it were not for the wisdom he had gathered along the paths of his life.
The greater and heavier the burden, the more wisdom he gains, and the wiser he becomes. Strangely, wisdom has a powerful effect on humans. It affects the maturity, the way of thinking, and the psychology of humans.
Look at (almost) any 7-year-old child in
Now look at any 7-year-old child in
Look at what the burden has made to a teenage as the eldest brother to four younger brothers and sisters, just having lost his dearest parents. Watch as the wisdom he gains allows him to act as a replacement for a mother and a father to his siblings. Watch as he struggles to become the breadwinner of the family. Watch as his face hardens as his mind continuously wonder how is he going to pay the school fees of his siblings. He is so different from most of us, back when we were of the that age. So matured.
Wisdom accelerates the mental maturity of humans. A 7-year-old child may have the maturity of an 18-year-old. A 16-year-old teenager can become as matured as a 23-year-old. When humans mature faster, they can adapt and survive the cruel world becomes an easier task. (easy is too strong a word, and I can't seem to find a replacement)
But everything has its price. The greatest price for those valuable wisdom is the psychological changes. Do the children in
In wisdom, there is knowledge. And in knowledge, there is power. If not, why then people turn to the wise for advice and consultation?
(Recently, I was burdened with a weight so great that a person of my age should not be carrying. I never imagined that I, a person so young, have to carry this burden. In fact, the burden still rests on my shoulder. In the desperation and intense thinking, I realized that am not a 20-year-old. I am, in actuality, an adult in his late twenties. My mind ages faster than my physical body does, fortunately or unfortunately I cannot tell. Of course the wisdom I gained is unimaginable. However, with that great wisdom comes a great price. Now, I am still paying that price. Slowly and painfully.)
"Pernahkah kau melihat ibumu menangis?"
Itulah soalanku. Pendek dan kecil, tapi soalan itu sendiri berat dan menimbulkan aneka macam fikiran. Itu bukan soalan yang aku quote dari mana-mana. Itu memang soalan daripada aku sendiri.
Aku pernah.
Dan percayalah saat aku menoleh dan ternampak ibuku menangis, terasa seolah-olah seluruh dunia ini menjadi putih kekayangan dan yang wujud di tengah-tengah putih itu hanyalah aku dan ibuku. Air mata jernih yang menitis dari mata-mata yang sering kutenung dengan kasih sayang itu seperti membawa bersamanya suatu beban yang menghentam tanah yang kupijak. Maka bergegarlah hatiku. Air mata yang menitis itu seolah-olah bertukar menjadi wap belum sempat ia menyentuh tanah, lalu ditiup angin halimunan yang datang ke arahku. Angin air mata itu meluncur menembusi diriku, melarikan bersamanya segala apa perasaan yang hadir dalam lubuk hatiku. Yang tinggal hanyalah perasaan sayu dan sedih.
Dan aku tenung wajah ibuku, dan tenungan itu tak kusangka memberikan suatu torehan yang begitu dalam ke atas hatiku. Ya Allah, sakitnya. Pilunya. Sekiranya aku pilu yang kurasakan sudah begitu menyeksakan, aku tertanya-tanya bagaimana pula seksa hati ibuku. Ya Allah berilah dia kekuatan, YA ALLAH!!! Aku benar-benar memohon kepadaMu, Ya Allah, kerana tiada siapa lagi dalam dunia ini yang mampu menolongku, melainkan Kau, Ya Allah... Siapa lagi kalau bukan Kau, Ya Allah...
Dalam kesayuan hatiku, aku sendiri tidak menangis. Mataku yang menangis hanya akan menambahkan lagi kepiluan ibuku. Namun, kubiarkan saja hatiku meraung. Kalau kumampu, mahu kutahan saja air mata itu daripada mengalir lagi. Kalau kumampu, mahu saja kurompak perasaan sayu dan pilu itu dari ibuku. Biarlah aku saja yang terseksa. Aku masih muda. Ibuku bukan muda lagi. Hati mudaku masih boleh menahan semua torehan itu. Aku risau hati ibuku teruk berdarah. Aku hanya mahu ibuku gembira. Aku hanya mahu ibuku gembira. Aku hanya mahu ibuku gembira.
Bagaimana aku boleh pergi ke luar negara, meninggalkan ibuku terseksa seorang diri? Serba salah dibuatnya hatiku. Pemergianku seolah-olah menjadikan aku pentingkan diri sendiri. Siapa lagi yang akan mendakap ibuku jika aku tiada di sisi ibuku? Siapa lagi yang akan memujuk ibuku? Siapa lagi kalau bukan aku? Siapa lagi, beritahu aku? Ya Allah, bagaimana, ya Allah? Diluah mati emak, ditelan mati bapa.
Aku tersenyum pilu dan melihat kau yang sedang membaca ini, dan berkata,
"Andainya kau pernah melihat ibumu menangis..."
Assalamualaikum para pengunjung.
Dalam November 2006, Malaysia digemparkan dengan suatu berita bahawa tersebarnya SMS yang mengatakan bahawa Azhar Mansur (pelayar pertama Malaysia yang berjaya melingkari dunia dengan kapal layar) akan menjalankan upacara baptism ke atas sekumpulan orang Islam yang mahu memeluk agama Kristian di sebuah gereja (yang namanya bukan mahu dirahsiakan, tetapi namanya saya terlupa) di Ipoh. Isi SMS ini sekaligus telah menyebabkan Azhar Mansur dituduh murtad.
Saya merupakan anak Melayu Islam yang lahir di Perlis. Bapa, ibu, abang, saudara saya semuanya Islam, saya hairan kenapa soalan ini boleh timbul,
Tapi (seperti) semua yang kita tahu, tanggungjawab saya, pegangan saya, saya punya 'faith' (keyakinan) adalah kepada Allah s.w.t.... Jangan soal (pegangan agama) saya sekarang ini,
You, you, you, mak you suruh you mengucap ke? Bapa I tak suruh I mengucap lagi sebab kita dah mengucap banyak kali sebab sembahyang kita mengucap banyak kali,
Eh, tak boleh, saya tak akan buat itu (mengucap). Ini bukan hari kiamat lagi (di mana) saya akan disoal. Hari kiamat ini kita sama-sama tak tahu kesudahan di mana. Bukan atas ungkapan itu ataupun atas nak bagi sedap telinga,
Whenever I do something, I do it to the best of my abilities. That "something" includes pretty much everything. Sweeping the floor, making presentations, making yearbooks, cleaning the toilet. You name it. There ARE exceptions, though.
September, Oktober, November, Disember, Januari.